Where does it start?

In 1960 D.W.Winnicott wrote, '[The] false self ... hides and protects [the true self], and it reacts to the adaptation failures... . In this way the true self is not involved in the reacting and so preserves a continuity of being. However this hidden true self suffers an impoverishment that derives from lack of experience'.

Aspects within the family relationships will influence how a child will adapt to suit others and to preserve some sense of security when things become confusing.

However, in so doing the adaptation becomes what is sometimes known as the 'false self', protecting the child within from any further abuse. This inner child then remains hidden behind the adaptations. These over adaptations become a way of staying safe and close to others because when we are children we need to stay connected to adults for the sake of survival. You may have heard the expression of someone adapting to please others or trying too hard.

Real Self

As we grow over the years, we find the ability to survive alone and we lose sight of the 'real self'which remains hidden and very young. It remains an immature part of us that has failed to develop. When we talk of the self we understand this to be the personality, the character of and what Winnicott (a psychoanalyst) described as the way the environment has formed us. But can we really say that the self is as tangible as this? Winnicott stated that each person has a personal and private self that is not available except in intimacy.

Abuse

When a child is sexually or physically abused, they might build a defence to protect the self. This we know as a psychological and emotional inner self, protected from any future hurt. A defensive self will be presented to the world.This could be an over adapted self or a rebellious self, angry or depressed self which hides like a suit of armour the real and vulnerable self within. All of this in order to prevent further humiliation, shame, aggression and abandonment. We have heard of the individual who self harms, cuts themselves to release the distress that has been internalised because of the early abuse or dysfunctional processes in their history. Here the individual is attempting to keep hidden the real self in order to prevent the pain of the past emerging, thus retaining a hidden sense of self. Many will find a variety of ways of keeping this self suppressed, keeping the lid well and truly fastened down. Food is one way, gaining weight is another constantly fluctuating in order to fill one's life with dieting and focusing on food, or obsessive gym activity etc always to detract from the pain within.