Self Soothing

Children will be influenced by the self-soothing style demonstrated by the parents

Self-soothing is how we deal with stress using methods of looking after ourselves when we are feeling anxious, sad and angry. When we feel distressed about something, for example, a relationship issue, some problem with work, some problem being experienced with someone we love.

• How do you calm yourself?
• How do you cope with the internal disquiet, anxiety or turmoil?
• How as a child did your parent soothe you when you were distressed, hurt or angry?.

Good-Enough Parenting

Suppose a child falls down and bangs his knee and cries; he runs to his parent/parental figures and they put their arms around him and cuddle him, they examine the hurt area and soothe it by putting on a plaster or kissing it better. The child then feels soothed and soon runs out to play again. He has internalised this care and each time he is distressed, hurts himself or feels afraid he knows he can run to the carer and will receive adequate amounts of soothing. Gradually over time the child learns that in order to self-care one must stop and listen to the hurt and then find some way to self-soothe.

Not Good-Enough Parenting

For those of us who have problems with self-care, over-eating or self-harming there have been other methods of care given, or lack of.

Suppose in our example, the child falls down hurts himself and runs in to the carer, only this time the carer shouts, smacks, or laughs at him. Eventually whenever this child feels hurt, anxious or afraid what do you think he will do with himself? He is likely to internalise that method of care, by being hard on himself, calling himself stupid, clumsy or silly. He will push his genuine feelings to one side and ignore the distress no matter how minor or major, soothing himself with the negative method he was taught as a child. Because his genuine feelings of hurt and distress were discounted by his parents, he will discount them as an adult under stress.