Internalisation of Events

When we are small, we need those who care for us to give support and guidance; we need to feel the parental figure alongside, encouraging and softening the way towards attaining our full potential. This then provides us with an inner sense of security from which to grow and develop. We internalise this security which the parents or parental figures have provided, and this is what we know as good-enough parenting. A sense of wellbeing and self-esteem emerge from these primary relationships.

It is from our parents and parental figures that we originally learn about self, others and the world
- TA Today

Sense of self

We, both as children and adults, need to recognise that through personal experience, through differing levels of approving and disapproving responses from those in our environment, we learn how we impact others, and how they impact upon us. Our sense of self develops through the interactions we have with others. It teaches us how to live in the world, keeping us safe, or not, as the case may be. When aspects of life are distorted, dysfunctional or harmful, this will then influence how we see ourselves in relation to others, and what our internalised view of ourself will be.

Unconscious level

As children, we need to be valued by our original carers in order to value ourselves within adult relationships in the here and now. How can we value ourselves if we have not been valued as children and young people? The primary care-givers demonstrate and model how to see ourselves and how to learn self-respect. If our parents didn't value and respect us, we will discount ourselves as unlovable. How can we believe otherwise?

It would follow that our attitude towards relationships would be on that wavelength; even though we would naturally be seeking to be valued, respected and loved, we are likely to find relationships where we are undervalued.

On an unconscious level we will be drawn back to what is familiar and therefore repeat the patterns of self-care we experienced as a child. We are always drawn towards the familiar because we can foretell how things will go even if the outcome is a negative one.